


Small Bump

by Lilywoood



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscarriage Scare, Mpreg, Mutual Pining, Team as Family, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:13:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22103896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilywoood/pseuds/Lilywoood
Summary: He was officially and totally screwed, the pink lines weren’t lying, heck he felt like they were mocking him, taunting him, haunting him…
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Henrietta "Hen" Wilson/Karen Wilson, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 21
Kudos: 313





	1. Chapter 1

He was officially and totally screwed, the pink lines weren’t lying, heck he felt like they were mocking him, taunting him, haunting him…

How could this happen to him, how could he be so stupid, so careless, how could he forget about protection, Maddie was always nagging him about them for a good reason, one of them being avoiding this kinds of situations…

He didn’t know how he’ll tell Bobby about it, how he’ll tell the team, how he’ll break the news to Eddie.

Oh god Eddie, he totally forgot about him, how could he impose that to him, Eddie has already too much in his plate, between Chris, his therapy and their excruciating job another child wasn’t what he needed plus they weren’t even a couple, they were friends…just friends.

—-

He felt like crying, he didn’t know what to, where to start, didn’t know if he wanted to keep it, if he had to talk with Eddie first, let him know, let him decide…

His chest was aching, he felt his stomach tangling, stress overwhelming him even more, fear and regret tearing him down, he felt like choking, like throwing up.

His eyes were fixed on the three positive sticks, his hand grasping them tightly. He couldn’t believe it, he couldn’t believe that he managed to screw his life even more.

He didn’t know how much time passed, hours, minutes, second he didn’t know how much time passed until he heard the all too familiar ringtone.

He couldn’t face him not now, not when he was still struggling with the life changing new he just got, not when the memories of their drunken one night stand was still fresh on his mind, not when he could remember He didn’t like it, he didn’t like the noisy silence in his place, it forced him to think, forced him to feel, to remember…

He didn’t want to remember, didn’t know to relive how it felt right to be in his arms, didn’t need to recall how his touch made him shiver, how his breath on his skin made him tremble, how he was so tender so loving, so selfless when it came to intimacy.

Wrapping his arms around himself he finally allowed himself to cry, to breakdown, grabbing his phone he waited, five painful minutes for Eddie to give up, for him to text him or let him a voicemail he would probably ignore until the day after, he waited for his and picture to fade, waited for his screen to go back to black.

—

He felt drained, exhausted, depressed, he stood frozen in his place, going through all the events of that famous night, trying to remember when all went wrong, it was supposed to be a buddy night out, it was supposed to be a night of catching up, they were supposed to have a few beers and go their own way, but one beer became two, then three and many more.

Everything was kind off a blur after that he didn’t remember who started to undress who, he didn’t remember which one of them initiated it and he hadn’t care. 

He hadn’t care because it felt right to be in his arms, his skin was on fire when he kissed him, his touch made him feel like he could melt, he made him feel desired, he made him feel worth it, the way his hips would move, the way his hands would caress him, making him scream in pure bliss, ecstasy even, the way he sucked on his skin letting marks all over it, it made him feel so alive, he could remember bribes of that night.

Still there was one thing he couldn’t and hadn’t forget, it was how cold and empty he felt the morning after, how deceived he’d been when he saw that Eddie had left without a word, without a note for him, he couldn’t forget how it been awkward for them, how Buck had to pretend that he forgot it all for thing to go back to normal, but things would never be normal now…

He slowly rose himself from his cold bathroom floor and with a shaking knees went to his mirror, his hands were trembling when he lifted his shirt, he bitted his lips trying to prevent the tears from falling at the sight of his small bump.

His legs gave up shortly after, he saw himself fall, he felt the pain of it, but his gaze was still fixed on the mirror, his cold hands still on his belly…

He couldn’t do this alone, but couldn’t count on Eddie either, so with what little force he still had he grabbed his phone and dialed the only person who’ll never gave up on him.

- **Maddie** , he croaked after she picked up, **Maddie please please I need you,** he cried **, I need my big sister,** he prayed tears flowing down in his face.


	2. Chapter 2

- _ **Maddie please I need you** , Buck sniffled, **I need my big sister,** he prayed.._.

When Maddie heard her brother’s voicemail two things happened, first she felt herself lose the grip she had on her coffee mug, she heard it fall to the floor and saw it breaking into thousand of little broken porcelain pieces, second she saw herself run to her locker and grab her stuffs…

Never once acknowledging what she was doing, it was as if a switch had been turned, the protective big sister one, she stopped thinking clearly, stopped caring about her entourage, there was only one thing running in her head right now and that was going to Buck, finding out what was happening to Buck, protecting Buck…

She could see herself run toward the exit, could hear Josh calling after her, could feel him grabbing her hand to stop her from doing so, she could see his lips moving and forming words, she could see the worry in his eyes but she couldn’t care less, Buck needed her and she needed to go.

 **-Maddie** , Josh worried seeing her absence of reaction, **Maddie what’s happening** , he tried again squeezing her forearm.

- **Buck** , she breathed sadly, **Buck he needs me** , she pleaded tears menacing to fall.

- **Go** , Josh responded understandingly, **I got your back go,** he pressed when she didn’t made any move.

She nodded, hands shaking, teary eyed and lips quivering, Josh hugged her quickly, rubbing her arms before letting her go, she mouthed a quick thank you to the man who quickly became her best friend before rushing to her car.

Her hands were still shacking when she grabbed her keys, she couldn’t help but play the voicemail over and over again in her head, dread was sitting on the pit of her stomach, she didn’t know what was awaiting her, didn’t know in what state she’ll find her brother and that was what scared her the most…

* * *

It’s heavy, so so heavy, so painful and suffocating he didn’t know how to deal with this, didn’t know how he would face the other, still it’s taunting him, the pink lines are still engraved in his mind, memories of that famous night are getting clearer and clearer.

He could feel he ghost of Eddie’s touch on his skin, could remember his hands traveling his body, could hear the low rumble of his voice, could feel his hot breath on his neck… If he closed his eyes he could go back to that famous night, could remember how he felt whole in Eddie’s arms, how he felt like he was finally home…

He was empty, cold and wide awake, his eyes emptily fixing the wall in front of him, his hands absently caressing his slightly bumped belly, they were alone, Eddie had abandoned them, and Buck didn’t even ressent him…

* * *

Most of the time Maddie didn’t mind LA shitty traffic, most of the time she could deal with it, she’ll play her special playlist and wait, today wasn’t like most of the time though and she found herself honking and cursing at every slow cars…

Stress and worry were eating her alive, she’d tried to call Buck, tried to reach him, tried to reassure him, tried to tell him she was on her way but he never answered, her calls were sent straight to voicemail and that was scaring her…

* * *

The first thing Maddie noticed when she finally arrived at Buck’s condo was how quiet it was, loudly and painfully quiet, the kind of worrying disturbing silence you could only witness on horror movies.

She searched all the house for her brother until she heard the rumble of water in the bathroom, she just heard the water, not the sound of Buck showering, these setting all her alarms off, she decided that since he called her clearly distressed he couldn’t care less of privacy, she needed to make sure he was ok, that he didn’t do something stupid, something life threatening…

- **Evan** , she called, **Evan if you’re here I’m coming,** she announced opening the door.

There he was sitting fully clothed in his shower, his lips blue and trembling, his skin pale and eyes bloodshot, a gasp escaped Maddie’s lips as she rushed to his side and turned off the water.

She could see the pain, the raw sadness and despair in her little brothers eyes, she felt herself tear up, she grabbed his towel and covered him with it busying herself to prevent the tears from falling.

- **Evan** , she croaked kissing his forehead, **Evan you hear me,** she murmured.

At the sound of his sister voice Buck raised his head smiling tiredly, he then hugged her, hiding his head on the crook of her neck, nuzzling her like he used to when they were younger and he had nightmares.

- **You want to tell me what’s wrong** , she softly demanded running her hand in his hair, massaging his scalp.

- **I screwed up Maddie** , he avowed with a shaky breath, **I screwed up so bad** , he teared, **so so bad,** he chuckled drily.

- **Tell me,** she asked encouragingly forcing him to look at her.

He shook his head tending her the three taunting sticks, she frowned confused before seeing what he meant.

- **Who knows,** she quizzed squeezing his shoulder.

- **Only you and I** , he breathed, **Eddie can’t know Mads,** he pleaded, **neither Chim** , he pressed distressed.

- **I won’t tell,** she promised embrassing him tightly, **I’m with you every step of the way** , she swore kissing his temples.

- **Thank you Maddie** , Buck mumbled closing his eyes tiredness overcoming him.


	3. Chapter 3

He knew there were a baby in him, knew that Eddie and him created a new life, a new person, a new soul but the reality of the situation didn’t really hit him until that famous Monday, until he had to lie to Bobby and call sick to get his first ultrasound.

* * *

He never felt more alone than now, in his obstetrician waiting room surrounded by families and couples, surrounded by people having one another’s back…

They were a time where Eddie used to have his, but it was over now, since that famous night something changed in their dynamic, as if Eddie was discretely trying to distance himself from Buck, as if he regretted meeting him…

He had learned to accept it though, mend his broken heart and acknowledged the fact that he would never be it for him, Eddie would never need him like Buck had needed him, never choose him like he had choose him, never love him like he loved him…

He was coming to term with it when the secretary finally called his name, he could feel the pitying looks of people when he rose from his chair, hear the whispers, the critics, it was deepening the wound in his heart.

- **Mr Buckley** , the secretary called again seeing as he stopped midway, **Dr Stevens is waiting for you,** she smiled kindly, leading the way…

* * *

The room wasn’t dark as he pictured it, it wasn’t cold either, the walls were painted with different shades of yellow and covered with kids drawing, he couldn’t help but chuckles at some of them.

Doctor Stevens was setting the material for his ultrasound letting him time to mentally prepare himself, everything would be real after it, it won’t be suspicions, it won’t be a false alarm, today he’ll meet his miracle.

- **Whenever you’re ready Evan** , she smiled encouragingly

- **I’m ready** , he stated clearing his throat.

He unbuttoned his pants before lying, he raised his shirt, glancing quickly at the little bump.

- **You’ll feel a bit cold but it’s normal,** she explained, **it’s just the gel ok** , she asked, Buck only nodded and winced when she put cold gel on his skin.

She started moving the probe, searching for an image, it lasted two minutes before he started to see something, or more exactly hear something.

Something close to the faint echo of drum, it was a weak sound at first but the more Doctor Stevens moved the probe the more the beating got louder until they could clearly hear it.

 ** _Thump…thump… thump…thump… thump…thump_**.

He could feel himself tear up, he could hear the laugh bubbling out his throat, joy was coursing through his veins, happiness and an unconditional love for this teeny being burned his heart.

- **Did you hear that Edd…** he laughed looking at his right, before interrupting himself by remembering that Eddie wasn’t there, he would never be there.

Doctor Steven smiled sadly at him, never commenting on it, Buck was thankful for that.

- **Do you want me to print you three copies,** she demanded squeezing his shoulder.

- **If you don’t mind,** he smiled forcefully, trying to hide his sadness.

* * *

He couldn’t keep his eyes away from the picture, it was blurry, black and white and he couldn’t really see his child but he knew they were here, he knew it was his baby, his light, his hope, he knew the weird white thing was his and that was enough.

Even if he was glad everything was good for both him and his child, even though meeting them for the first time had been the happiest thing that ever happened to him he couldn’t help but feel saddened by the fact that they were alone, that he’ll never be able to give his child the family he deserved.

* * *

He’d promised Maddie he’d call her after his appointment, she was with him every step of the way after all, he knew she would be happy, thrilled even to learn that everything was alright still he couldn’t help but want to distance himself from everything and everyone right that instant, he wanted to throw himself another pity party; wanted to go home and sleep the day, wanted to numb the loneliness he felt.

Maddie didn’t gave him the choice though, as he was starting his car, his phone started to ring with Maddie’s picture flashing.

- **Hey Mads,** he answered softly, putting her on speaker.

- **Hey yourself,** she retorted cheerfully, **so how was the first appointment,** she quizzed never being one for beating around the bush.

- **Everything is fine,** he answered mechanically, **I’m three months along** , he counted, **baby is healthy and growing normally,** he **added, I’ll know what it is in two months** , he smiled.

- **That’s good,** she sighed relieved, **everything is ok so why are you so sad Ev,** she demanded worry clear in her voice.

Buck frowned of course Maddie would be able to read him even from afar, of course she’ll know that something was bothering him, still he wasn’t sure he wanted to tell her why he was upset.

- **Ev** , she called, **I’m on your side you knows that,** she asked, **you can tell me I’ll never judge** , she reassured him talking with her mom voice.

- **I was alone Maddie** , Buck told her sadly,

- **I’m so sorry Evan I tried to have the day off to be with you** , she apologized profusely passing back and forth, **next time I’ll be there** , she promised.

Buck shook his head laughing sadly, only Maddie would blame herself for something she wasn’t responsible for.

- **No Mads,** he sighed **, I was alone** , he insisted.

- ** _Oh_** , she stated understandingly stopping her passing,

- **Yeah _oh_** , Buck chuckled passing a tired hand on his face, **they were family there you know,** he counted, **couple holding hands and rubbing the other back and I was alone** , he pursued.

- **Evan** , Maddie tried before being cut.

- **No Mads let me finish** , he sighed with a lump in his throat, **I was alone and the only thing I could think of when I heard its heartbeat** , he smiled drying his tears with the back of his hand, **you know when I heard it** , he articulated difficultly, **I forgot he wasn’t there, when I heard it I turned my head thinking he and Chris were there with me,** he laughed tiredly, **and I realized that I was alone** , his voice was shaky and tears falling freely, **I was alone Mads** , he whined.

- **Evan no,** she called, **you’re not alone,** she frowned passing her hand through her hair, **I’m sorry I wasn’t there,** she apologized again, **I’m sorry _He_ wasn’t there, **she pursued before Buck cut her again

- **You know it made me realize how foolish I had been all this time,** he spoke

- **What do you mean,** Maddie asked confused,

- **When we slept together that night** , he counted **, I wasn’t that drunk** , he avowed, **and I don’t think he was either** , he breathed, **I foolishly thought that maybe just maybe he felt for me what I feel for him,** he took a deep breath, **and then I woke up alone, they were no notes, he didn’t text, didn’t call and that made me realize that maybe he wasn’t into me** , Buck chuckled drily, **maybe it was just pity,** he whispered, **he was drawn to me because of loneliness, because I was there, maybe it never was about feelings,** he croaked, **if I hadn’t be there maybe it’ll have been someone else** , he stated gripping his phone tightly, **he…he’ll never love me as I love him Mads,** he suffocated.

- **Oh Evan** , Maddie sobbed, **I’m sure it’s not that** , she tried, **anyone can see how he deeply cares for you,** she added softly,

- **Then why wasn’t he there** , Buck asked finally breaking down, **why wasn’t he there when I woke up Maddie,** he cried.

* * *

Maddie never felt so powerless in her life, after hanging up with her brother she stayed on the break room for ten more minutes, she wanted to be there for him to support him, but she knew, deep down she knew she wasn’t what Evan needed.

She sighed deeply looking at her phone screen, looking at the contact page that was open, debating with herself wether she should press call or not, it wasn’t her secret to share, yet she couldn’t help wanting her brother happiness, closing her eyes she raised her finger deciding to let destiny decide if she was going to call Eddie or not.


	4. Chapter 4

He needed time, he needed time to recover, needed time to accept the change in his body, in his life…

It had been a week since he learned about his pregnancy, five days since his ultrasound and three days since they last saw him at the firehouse….

* * *

He felt like they were a whole in his heart, a wound so deep he thought he could never recover, he was still processing everything that happened in the past week, still trying to accept that Eddie and he created a life, created something pure and defenseless, something that would need them, depend and them, look up to them…

It was overwhelming, life changing, amazing and frightening all at once, Buck couldn’t help but wonder if he was going to be good enough, wonder if he would screw this up like everything he screwed up before, he wondered if he was going to be a good parent, he never had good one, never had parents to look up to, he just had Maddie, he wished he’ll be as strong as brave and loving as Maddie had been when they were kid, he prayed that his kids would love him, he prayed that some day Eddie would love them..

* * *

**_“Hey it’s Buck I’m not there for the moment but leave a message and I’ll call you back”_ **

Buck was slowly withdrawing himself from everyone and that worried Bobby.

It’s been the tenth time in three days that Bobby tried to reach Buck, he’d left at least a dozen voicemail, sent him a thousand text and called him a hundred times but nothing, something was wrong with Evan Buckley and Bobby Nash was set on finding out what it was….

It was Sunday afternoon meaning that Bobby was off and that Harrison was dealing with the team right now, he’d shared his worry with Athena who told him that she also tried to get in touch with the youngest Buckley without success.

* * *

He’d remembered how alone he felt that day at the ob/gyn office, remembered the whisper and pity looks it was haunting him in his sleep, it made him numb, made him realize that appart from Maddie he couldn’t count on anyone, he couldn’t count on the person he needed the most…

He heard his phone ring for the fiftieth time that day but he couldn’t bring himself to answer it, the numbness, the self wallow made his body to heavy to raise up and go and respond to whomever was calling him.

The phone finally stopped his bugging noise, he sighed in relief, thinking that maybe just maybe the person understood he didn’t want to be bothered right now, oh how wrong he was because mere minutes after the last ring of the phone his doorbell was annoyingly pressed forcing him to get off his couch and making him dizzy in the process.

* * *

When the door to Buck’s finally opened Bobby noticed two things, the first was how tired, small and disheveled he seemed, he looked like a ghost, his beard and hair had grown a little in the past few days, his shirt was messy but not tainted that brought Bobby to the second realization, Buck had lost weight again, he seemed thinner and paler, he was holding himself and shivering because of malnutrition cold, Bobby frowned at that and entered the condo without letting the younger man protest.

- **What happened to you Evan** , Bobby frowned busying himself with cooking, **you called sick three days ago and didn’t took time to send any of us a text telling us what was wrong,** he sighed, **not even Eddie,** he turned confusion clear in his voice.

He noticed of course he noticed how Buck seemed to wince every time Eddie’s name was put in a sentence, he noticed how the two men seemed to avoid one another, how the tension between them both was suffocating, how the glim Eddie had put in Buck’s eyes disappeared.

- **Does it have something to do with how you and Eddie are avoiding one another like the plague** , Bobby questioned setting a plate alfredo pasta in front of him.

- **More or less,** the blond admitted playing with his food.

 **-I remember someone telling me that sometimes it’s ok to ask for help** , Bobby smiled sitting on the opposite chair, **Buck you know you can tell me anything,** he breathed, **I’m not just your captain,** he coughed, **I…you’re like a son to me Evan so whatever is bothering you, whatever is making you sick or sad you can tell me and we’ll find a solution together like a family,** he added patting his hand.

- **I…Bobby I screwed up so bad,** Buck chocked tears falling down, **I screwed up and I don’t know what to do,** he stuttered, **I’m…I’m lost Bobby and the only thing I can do right is crying,** he chucked drily **,** **I’m such a failure,** he croaked drying his cheeks.

- **You’re not a failure,** Bobby affirmed signaling for Buck to follow him in the living room, **listen whatever it is we will find a way to make it right** , he stated reassuringly, **we’re a team and we have your back anytime,** he added.

- **I’m pregnant Bobby,** Buck whispered looking down ashamed, **I’m pregnant and I’m afraid I’m going to screw my kids up,** he teared again, **I’m afraid I’m going to be like my folks, I’m afraid of not being able to care for them,** he panicked, **god Bobby I’m not fit to be someone’s parent,** he trembled hiding his face in his hand.

Bobby immediately took him in his arm, rocking him until he felt Buck breathing even, until he was sure he calmed down.

- **No one is born a parent Buck** , he assured, **you learn to become one, you learn from your parents mistakes and your kid learn from yours,** he smiled, **it’s a cycle** , he added, **but if you might know I think you’ll be a great father that kid is lucky,** Bobby beamed.

- **You think so,** Buck sniffed a timid smile on the corned of his lips.

- **I know so,** Bobby insisted, **still it doesn’t explain why you’ve been avoiding Eddie** …Bobby trailed before realization hit him, **Eddie is the child other dad** , he asked.

 **-It was a one night thing,** Buck gloomed, **he left without a words the morning after and I pretended that I forgot so he’ll stop being awkward,** he sighed tiredly.

- **Evan** , Bobby started before being interrupted.

 **-I’m not ready to tell him yet** , he croaked, **I’ll tell him I know I have to tell him but not now** , he pleaded, **I’m still processing it, time isn’t running out yet,** he grinned.

Bobby nodded smiling in return and accepting his surrogate son decision, they spent the rest of the day catching up and discussing how Buck condition was going to impact his job, how a lot of changes had to be made, how everything was different now…


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning : Miscariage scare

Something changed between them, something shifted, the dynamic wasn’t the same anymore, as if a glass broke, as if he punched a mirror and finally saw the possibility, the what if, the different versions of them, the better one, the happy one, something changed between him and Buck, and what he witnessed after that night, what he felt, what he discovered was too much too soon, he didn’t know if he was ready or if he wanted to be ready, if he wanted to jump through the looking glass.

He noticed the shift in their relationship, he remarked how it was more tense, different, awkward, he was aware that it was his fault, that he’d been the one causing the tension between him and Buck, he knew that Buck lied when he pretended not remembering that night, he knew it because he noticed the lingering look and the sadness in the other man eyes, he noticed how the light was gone in them, remarked how he missed it, how he missed being the only one able to provoke that glim, that light, that love, something broke between them and he wasn’t sure he was able or ready to fix it just yet.

Their relationship wasn’t the only thing that changed thought, he wasn’t blind he’d remarked how he seemed to be more tired, how he was getting thinner and thinner, how he wasn’t taking care of himself properly, how Buck started to draw himself away from the team, how he seemed more dependent of Bobby, as if they shared some kind of secret, Buck was slowly becoming a mere shadow of his former self and that what worried Eddie the most.

Still he couldn’t bring himself to have that conversation, couldn’t help but cowardly turn a blind eyes and act as if nothing happened, he wasn’t ready to tell Buck the truth, wasn’t ready to tell him why he left him that night.

* * *

Sometimes when he closed his eyes Buck could remember it, remember that infamous the night that changed everything, the night were he’d been bold enough to try to further things with Eddie, the night where he mistakenly thought that they were on the same page, that he shared his feeling, that he felt it too, that burning fire in the pit of his stomach, those butterflies that were tickling him, the painful yet delightful heartache you feel when in love, and then he’ll open his eyes, turn his head left on his bed and remember how cold and empty it had been the morning after.

He’ll remember how he didn’t smell coffee and burned eggs, how for two days Eddie’s ringtone didn’t chime, how it had been awkward when they crossed each other in the locker-room, he’d remember the not so discreet relieved sigh Eddie let after he’d pretended not to remember that night, he remembered how he felt his heart explode in his chest and how a void took it place, waking up without Eddie at his side hadn’t be the painfullest, no what hurt him the most was the clear relief he saw in the older man eyes, the guilt, the remorse, that what destroyed him…

* * *

However Buck was an hopeless romantic, a dreamer, and even though some parts of him knew Eddie wouldn’t accept him, wouldn’t accept them, he couldn’t help but imagine a life where they would have been a family, couldn’t help himself from wearing the other man shirt when he felt low and lonely, couldn’t help but look at his reflection at his growing belly and picture Eddie and Chris there with him.

As fast as that fantasy came it was already gone, shaking himself from his slumber he quickly dressed up keeping Eddies shirt under his flannel, he didn’t took it off after changing in his uniform, it was cold after all and nobody would notice it, he was wrong thought…

* * *

It was supposed to be a quiet day, a calm one, it was Sunday after all, nobody was reckless on Sunday, the call they had were just minor emergency, cliché emergency such as a cat stuck in a tree, or someone accepting a stupid dare, it was a painfully long day and Buck couldn’t wait to go home, go back to his bed, to his wallowing, go back to worry about what he was going to do next….

* * *

It was supposed to be quiet, it was supposed to be safe, he wasn’t supposed to be on field, Bobby specifically told him, promised him that he would only solicit him for simple and safe field mission, neither of them had predicted the massive car crash, none of them predicted that Jameson would be forced to take the day off due to his kids giving him the flu they contracted, nobody predicted that one of the car would literally explode in front of them giving them déjà vu feeling of months ago…

People were screaming around them, they were panicking, running in search of shelter and safety, in search of reassurance, they desperately were trying to control the crowd, trying to take care of them without noticing that among themselves they were a victim…

Buck couldn’t move, he felt panic and bile raise up in his throat, he saw himself stuck under the stuck, he could taste the blood on his tongue, the metallic and bitter taste of blood, he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t utter a sound, everything was blurry around him, he tried to regain his composure, tried to calm down, tried to convince himself that he wasn’t stuck, he wasn’t hurt, he looked at his feet to shake the bad memories out of his head, to ground himself…

And then he felt it dripping down his leg, he saw it, the first drop of blood hitting the ground, he felt the dreadful feeling in the pit of his stomach, and he knew something was wrong with the baby, knew that he had to get to hospital fast.

Bobby was looking at him slightly worried, following Buck sight, remarking the four little drops at his feet, his eyes immediately went from Buck to Eddie, wondering if the older man knew…

- **Bobby** , Buck croaked frozen in place, **Bobby** , he hyperventilated, **you have to take me to the nearest hospital** , he cried panicking, **I can’t…I,** he teared before everything went black.


	6. Chapter 6

Eddie hated hospitals, he hated the flashing lights and white almost greyish walls, hated how their white immaculate color were long gone, he hated how it reeked pain, despair…Death.

He hated the insistent machines noises, hated the comes and goes of nurses, hated the closed off doctors face, hated the patients relative, hated hearing them beg and pray, hated to see the hopes, the wishes slowly fade away, hated how he’ll see them entangle theirs hands, how he’ll witness the acceptance, the impending end, how a single drop would fall of their eye, how they would shake the doctors hands, hug them sometimes, thanks them, how they’ll put on a brave face.

He hated the fake brave face, he hated how he could recognize them, hated how he could understand them, he didn’t want to understand them, he’d never wanted to be one of them but it seemed that Fate in its own twisted way enjoyed to make him suffer, make him beg, make him pray…

* * *

He looked so small, so fragile despite his 6’2ft, he looked so pale, so sick and tired, he only noticed now, noticed how tiredness, stress and probably pain marked his baby face, how he looked way older now, how even if his eyes closed he could notice the loss of what was left of his childlike innocence.

The room was small and suffocating, the yellow lights accentuating the paleness of his skin, the beeping of the machines, the parasites echo of conversations outside, it was too much, he couldn’t handle it, couldn’t accept the reality of things, he couldn’t help but remember the last time he’d been confronted to a similar situation, couldn’t forget Shannon pale skins, couldn’t forgot how her eyes was closed, how he couldn’t see the light in them, it was the same now, even if the machines were beeping, even if Buck’s chest was rising and falling, even if he knew he was alive, doubt was still there, messing with his head, poisoning his mind, keeping him from holding the younger man’s hand, keeping him from touching his small bump.

* * *

He couldn’t stay in the room any longer, he was feeling the rage, the pain, the betrayal in his core, he was angry at Buck, angry at the world, his hands were shaking, his heart beating faster by the minutes, he felt like chocking, felt like crying and screaming bloody murder, it was unfair, why was Fate so unfair with him, why did she enjoyed making him miserable, why did she had to take it all.

His legs were on autopilot now, he knew he’d left the room, knew he was walking straight outside, he knew he’d fallen to his knees, knew that the rain was wetting him, hiding his tears and muffling his screams.

It was as if a whole have been dug In his heart, as if by hiding that new, that secret, Buck tore it apart, stumped on it and gave it back there after…

* * *

Maddie was the one to found him, funny how she was always the one founding them, the one fixing them, the one listening to them.

He was in a terrible shape, broken beyond repair, in tears punching the ground again and again until his knuckles were covered in blood, until she stopped him, until she held him, until he finally allowed himself to let it all out.

- **Why didn’t he told me,** he demanded his voice small and hoarse, **we are supposed to have each other’s back,** he shivered, **we’re…we’re family aren’t we,** he asked Maddie after she guided him inside.

Maddie didn’t know how to answer him as she herself didn’t really know, didn’t really grasp why her brother had the need to hide it from people, from those who mattered the most, she stood silent, holding Eddie a bit tighter, comforting him, reassuring him, trying to convince him and by the same occasion herself that everything would be okay, everything was going to be alright.

- **I should have stay,** he croaked broking the silence that settled between them, his shoulder were slumped, his damp hair sticking to his face, **how I wanted to stay,** he chuckled meeting her eyes for the first time.

- **Why did you leave then,** Maddie wondered, **why didn’t… why didn’t you stay,** she insisted still holding him despite the rain falling on her too.

- **God Maddie I wanted to,** he sniffled, **I wanted to stay,** he croaked, **wanted to fall asleep and wake up in his arms,** he chuckled, **wanted to see his morning face, wanted to hear is hoarse voice,** he took a deep breath, **I wanted to stay,** he breathed looking ahead.

- **Why didn’t you then** , Maddie softly repeated, still he didn’t answer only turning his gaze toward the busy road ahead, **you can’t tell me,** she nodded understanding Eddie’s sudden silence.

 **-I want to tell you,** he nodded, **but he deserve to know first,** Eddie sighed raising up and holding his hand for Maddie.

* * *

He didn’t remember if it was a dream or reality, didn’t know if it was his lips he tasted or just a memory of them, if he was a ghost or if his touch was really giving him goosebumps… all was dark around him, he could hear people screaming and running around, he could feel their touch, could hear their distress.

His head was heavy, so heavy and loud, everything was painfully loud around him, he could hear ushered voices, and beeping sounds, could feel light burning his face, could feel how blinding they were, could tell that opening his eyes was going to hurt, he felt and hear everything around him except the wavy movements in his belly.

The soothing and calming movements of his small bump, he felt panic and dread course through his blood, he remembered, remembered the car crash, the smoke, the hysteria, the blood, the four little drops of blood at his feet…

He needed to wake up, needed to make sure everything was okay, needed to go to the hospital, needed to tell Maddie, needed to tell Eddie…

* * *

The lights were blinding, too white, too yellow, burning his iris, keeping him from seeing anything, he closed and opened his eyes five times just to get accustomed to it, he felt someone holding his hand, the held was lose but still, he felt fingers interlacing with his, felt the person thumb tracing circles on his left hand skin, it was relaxing, hypnotizing even making him want to go back and sleep, but he couldn’t go back, he didn’t want to go back, he had to make sure that everything was alright

He wanted to believe that Maddie was the one holding his hand, that she was the one being tender and loving, he wanted, needed her maternal comfort, needed to see that it was just a scare, a false alarm in her eyes, he didn’t find her when he opened his eyes, it was her light brown eyes, but darker almost black ones, sad and broken dark eyes.

He saw the sorrow, the sadness, the raw pain in them, his hands immediately went to his belly, he felt himself tremble, himself tear up, himself being held tightly in a reassuring way, he heard Eddie’s calming voice repeating him over and over that everything was alright, he had to make sure, he had to be sure that he didn’t lost the only good thing that happened to him…

- **The doctor says that it was just stress,** Eddie croaked, **everything is alright Evan** , he added caressing his jaw, **everything is fine** , he breathed looking down.

- **You know then,** Buck whispered grabbing Eddie’s hands, **you know,** he repeated brokenly.

 **-I know,** he repeated not meeting the blond eyes, **you should’ve told me,** he sobbed distancing himself from Buck, **you should’ve told me,** he repeated over and over again letting himself glide along the wall in a huddled position, **you should have told me** , he echoed shoulder shaking.

Buck was frozen in place, he felt the tears streaming slowly down his cheeks, felt Eddie’s pain, felt his sorrow, but he couldn’t move, couldn’t find the force in himself to go forgive, forget, comfort the older man, even if his heart was yearning for the comfort of Eddie’s embrace, even if all he wanted, all he needed was to feel whole in his arms, he couldn’t shake the emptiness he’d felt after he woke up cold and alone the morning after.


	7. Chapter 7

He was all alone once again, but this time Eddie departure didn’t hurt, it didn’t shatter his heart, didn’t make him feel empty and alone, no this time he knew that they both needed some time off from one another, they needed to think, to assimilate both of their betrayal, Eddie more than him it seemed.

He never saw him this way, so hurt, vulnerable and tired, Eddie never showed anything, always keeping his feelings for himself, always sucking it up as he’d been teach, it had been a first for the both of them, it was the first time Eddie allowed himself to be weak, to be open, to be honest with his feelings.

Everything was quiet, disturbingly, painfully and numbly quiet, as his gaze was fixed on the wall in front of him, as he toned out the comes and goes of the doctors and nurses, the buzzing noise of a busy hospital he let himself think, let himself remember how everything was simple before all this mess, let himself wonder if he made the right choice....

* * *

He knew that day would have eventually came, knew that at some point he would have to tell Eddie the truth, knew that he wouldn’t be able to hide his secret still he hadn’t expected would turn this way with both Eddie and him heartbroken, and more distanced from one another.

It’s been six days now, six days since he was released from hospital, six days since Eddie learned the truth, six days since he broke down in front of Buck.

Eddie had been kind of M.I.A since that fateful day and neither the team nor Buck had tried to get in touch with him, all assuming he’d needed time to assimilate all that happened, to accept that life changing new, but after the fourth day without any words from him Buck started to worry, started to wonder if something happened to Eddie, if he had to be the one to break the heavy silence that settled between them.

* * *

He’d been debating with himself all Friday night, deciding whether he should go to Eddie’s or not when Carla called him clearly distressed.

 **-Please he hasn’t left his room in two days,** she shared sighing tiredly, **Chris told me he’s been depressed lately and I thought that maybe you could talk with him,** she added, **see what’s wrong,** she breathed, **Chris miss his dad and he miss you too,** she revealed.

- **Tell Chris I’ll be there tomorrow** , Buck declared.

* * *

Saturday came faster than what Buck had anticipated, he felt his stomach tangle with stress and anticipation, he felt his hands becoming sweaty, his heart beating faster, even though he knew that the chance of Eddie opening his door were slim, he couldn’t help but dread this impromptu reunion.

He arrived at the Diaz household in less than ten minutes, he stayed in his car for five, trying to calm his nerves and beating heart, trying to convince himself that everything was going to be ok, he was going to spend the first half of the day with Chris and Carla and then if he was lucky and if Eddie was willing they would have a longue and overdue conversation.

As predicted Carla was the one to open the door telling him that Eddie had totally refused to go out of his room after she told him that he was visiting, he pretended to be sick but Christopher has told her that morning that his dad wasn’t in a good shape, that he saw a bruise on his left eye.

Buck felt his blood boil after Carla revealed this, he thanked her before going to join Chris in the living room, he smiled at him and felt some of his rage disappear when the little boy hugged him and started to tell him all about his week.

- **I missed you so much,** he confided still focused on his drawing, **I think daddy missed you too,** he observed.

 **-I missed you to buddy,** Buck smiled purposely ignoring his last words.

- **Daddy is always sad,** Chris sighed, **he thinks I don’t hear him cry at night,** he pursued, **sometimes he’ll say your name** , he added finally looking up.

Buck felt his heart ache for Christopher, he felt guilty, felt as if he was responsible of the strain between father and son, he threw a glance to Carla who nodded in understanding.

- **Christopher honey,** she called lightly, **how about we go buy lunch for everyone,** she beamed.

 **-And dessert** , he demanded grabbing his crutches.

Silence engulfed the house after Carla and Chris departure, a loud and heavy silence, one foretelling how their conversation would turn out.

Shaking his head, he tried to turn his attention back on Eddie’s bedroom door, he tried to focus, tried to force himself to stop thinking about how they both hurt the other, tried to force himself to stop remember that night, tried to convince himself that everything was going to be ok, that they were going to put everything behind and move on, as parents if not as a pair.

* * *

Eddie didn’t know how to feel anymore, he was lost, confused, numb… It was as if something broke inside of him, no words could describe the state he was in after he learned the truth, no one could understand the impact of that night, hell he couldn’t understand it either, he never felt that way and it was both scary and disturbing…

He always believed that Shannon abandoning them was the most hurtful moment in his life, that nothing could top her giving up on both Chris and him, then she died and he felt like she was leaving them behind once more, he felt like he could never recover, felt like he was never going to be enough for anyone or anything not even his son, but then Buck saved the day like he always did, he stupidly made him believe that he had the right to be happy, that he was enough, he was needed and wanted, he gave and gave never asking for anything in return, and Eddie had felt guilty, he’d felt as if he let him down that night, he felt like somehow he’d betrayed Buck, because he didn’t left by choice, didn’t abandon Buck without saying anything because he wanted to but because he had to.

He never imagined that Buck would make him pay, never though that this kind and selfless person, his person, would take everything back in the cruelest way possible, but he did and Eddie didn’t know how to feel about it, sure he was aching but somehow he got it, he understood that Buck had been hurt too, had been afraid, he made Buck feel what he felt when Shannon left and he couldn’t forgive himself for it, couldn’t face Buck, he was too ashamed for that.

* * *

He wanted time to stop just for a moment, he wanted everything to stop, to be quiet, calm and southing, he wanted the world to pause just for a minute, a single minute that will allow the quiet to let him think, let him reflect; let him draw on their link, allowing him to find the right words, allowing him to reassure his tired mind and broken heart that everything was going to be alright.

Buck was silently sited at the window when he got out his room, he was watching kids playing around with a soft and living smile, he didn’t turn when Eddie approached, didn’t make any move, he just tensed and snickered. Eddie stopped walking all together feeling as if he wasn’t wanted here, as if he disturbed Buck peace, as if he ruined things once more, he was ready to turn back and close himself in his room when Buck broke the silence.

 **-I wish you loved me enough to stay** , Buck whispered still looking out the window.

 **-I love you enough to go,** Eddie retorted approaching him hesitantly, I **love you enough to want you safe,** he added brokenly understanding the hidden message in Buck’s words, he found himself kneeling down in front of the younger man.

He could feel Eddie’s arms tightening around his body, could feel his tears wetting his shirt, could sense the sheer agony and sorrow the other man felt. It was destroying him, tearing him apart, poisoning his blood, still there was nothing he could do, he was still hurt, still wary, still resentful, his wounded soul was keeping him from reaching out to Eddie even though his heart was yearning for him.

 **-I wanted to stay,** Eddie revealed raising up, **I wanted to I swear** , he croaked passing back and forth in front of him, hands messing with his hair.

- **Then why didn’t you, what was so important that you had to leave in the middle of the night without so much as a note,** Buck demanded drily, his arms crossed protectively.

- **Lena** , Eddie mumbled almost inaudibly turning his head in shame.

- **Lena** , Buck croaked taking a step back, **Lena** , he repeated in a chuckle, **I see,** he stated nodding his head.

 **-I know what you’re thinking,** Eddie objected, **but I swear it’s nothing like that,** he tried.

- **Right** , Buck scoffed, **nothing like that at all** , he snarled, **excuse me then for feeling like some cheap booty call** , he mocked.

- **Don’t be like that Evan,** Eddie sighed tiredly, **it wasn’t like that for me** , he growled, **it wasn’t just sex and you know it** , he pointed.

- **No I don’t** , Buck retorted his voice raising a little, **how could I know it wasn’t just sex when I woke up cold and alone** , he snorted, **how could I know, when they were no note, no text or call for three whole days,** he counted , **how could I know it wasn’t just sex when you had a massive breakdown days after it happened making me fake forgetting it so you’ll feel better,** he frowned hands in the air, **tell me Eddie how dumb me was supposed to know** , he nodded toward the older man.

- **You weren’t supposed to know, cause I wasn’t supposed to leave,** Eddie roared back grabbing him **, I didn’t want to leave but she made me do it** , he panted, **she forced me and I had no other choice,** he gasped, **I had to go to keep Chris and you safe** , he avowed.

- **Safe** , Buck repeated, **safe from what** , he demanded grabbing Eddie’s left shoulder, **Eddie** , he called.

- **She’s blackmailing me** , he chuckled drily, letting himself fall on the **couch, she lost her job because they found out she was in a fight club,** he explained, **they never found out about me because Bobby made sure of it** , he sighed, **I left that night because she threated to expose me, told me that if it was to be known I’ll probably lose custody of Chris, I’ll probably lose my job,** he passed a hand through his messy hair, **she knew about us** , he breathed, **and I was afraid that she would do something against you too so I left,** he croaked.

 **-You’re fighting again** , Buck stated nodding to Eddie’s black eye, **and she’s taking the money,** he added.

- **Yeah** , Eddie nodded, **I didn’t say anything and didn’t leave a note cause I didn’t want you to worry or get involved in it,** he frowned, I **was ashamed and scare of retaliation** , he breathed out heavily.

- **We’re a team Eddie** , Buck objected **, I have your back and you have mine, and I get it, I get you were worried and afraid,** he pursued, **but I could have helped you, I could have gave you the support you needed** , he added, **we’re in this together,** he affirmed pointing at themselves.

 **-I don’t think you can help me in this,** Eddie chuckled, **it’s a big mess,** he heaved, **if I talk I lose everything, if I keep quiet I lose everything too, it’s a lose-lose situation,** he mused.

- **She wants to play dirty** , Buck challenged, **then I know exactly the person who could take her down,** he **announced, I’m going to help you out of this mess, but you have to tell me everything no lies, no secrets, you have to be honest there Eddie because Chris needs his father, and I need you to,** he added softly massaging his belly.


	8. Chapter 8

He remembered the last time he was there, remembered the sadness, the fears, the anguish, he remembered how anxious he’d been, how he’d hoped, prayed for it to be a nightmare, how he cling to the hope that it was a bad dream, a false alarm, that the tests were negatives.

He recalled how alone he was that day, how all the pairs were fixing him, pitying him, some judging him, he could hear them whispers among themselves, hear the cruels and muffled laugh, could see the pointed glares, he’d hated how small and little he’d felt that day, it was two time more awful now...

He was once again alone in the yellow waiting room, once again fixing the babies posters, once again trying his hardest to ignore the pointers d fingers and judgmental glares, he was once again fighting the tears, the pain, the sadness caused by the child father.

It wasn’t supposed to be that way though, he was supposed to be there, he promised, made a vow, he should have known, should have remembered how he’d be left alone the first time, so he wasn’t surprised the least that Eddie chose to abandon him once more....

* * *

A heavy and tense silence settled between the two men, one full of resentment, questions and unexpressed feelings, a bitter and grim tension, widening the gap between them, the quiet was consuming, thundering and destructive, fueled by their bruised egos, broken hearts, and stubbornness.

None of them were willing to break it, none of them really knew how, words weren’t their forte, with Eddie being more of an act before and think later kind of guy and Buck always struggling to make people understand what he meant, it would be a difficult task to communicate, still for the sake of their unborn child, for the sake of their crumpled relationship they had to try, had to make it work.

Eddie was the first to break the silence, not with words, he had never been good with that, as for him gestures were more meaningful, impactful, and unlikely to be twisted and turned against him, which is why after a full five minutes of deafening silence and without being able to explain it his hand hovered slowly with fear as well as hesitation over Buck's slightly rounded belly.

- **How did you felt about it?** he asked

- **About what?**

- **The child, how you felt when you found out,** Eddie insisted still looking at his feet.

 **-I..., I was afraid at first** , he frowned, **I remember feeling confused, depressed even,** he answered honestly feeling like a weight had been pull off his shoulder, **I spent a lot of time wallowing in self-pity, a lot of time asking myself if I could do it, if...if I would be a good parent,** he chuckled, **I was so scared it was eating me** , he half smiled, **but** , **the more I thought about it the more I realized that I was making it all about me, I always put myself first, not once did I think about them,** he chuckled caressing his belly, **and then I,** he took a deep breath, **we...we almost lost it and I realized that it wasn’t about me, at least not anymore I also realized that the “what if”, the doubts didn't matter, it took me almost losing it to realize how the love I have for them is more important, it took a tragic event to realize that I'd die for them,** he added quietly.

- **You're going to be a great parent Buck,** he smiled reassuringly giving a little squeeze to his knee, **the kid is lucky to have you**.

- **How do you feel about it?** Buck wondered trying to ignore the fact that Eddie didn't include himself in their child life.

- **I...I don't feel anything** , he sighed, **sure I feel responsible for it, I know that it's my duty as its other parent to take care and look out for them...but I don't know I don't feel the same as when I learned that I would be a father the first time,** he admitted avoiding the blond hurt gaze, **I don't…I don’t love them yet** , he admitted.

It was at that precise instant that Buck heart broke down in pieces, at that precise moment that he could feel the hole in his heart getting wider and wider, sucking all hope, all love, all of them, it took Eddie's three words to crush, to destroy, to annihilate Buck completely only three little words to make him understand that they will never be on the same page, he felt responsible, felt as if it was a duty more than a life created, he didn't have any fatherly love for their unborn child, it was all a mistake for him whereas for Buck it was the complete opposite, he foolishly nourished the hope that fear and blackmail were the one thing keeping Eddie from being with them when the reality, the truth was more bitter, darker and harder to swallow, he lulled himself for so long that waking up from his slumber had been more painful than the ladder truck.

- **That’s okay,** Buck croaked, **I had more time to get used to the situation,** he offered fully knowing that wasn’t about that at all.

- **That’s…yeah it’s probably that,** Eddie conceded not having the heart to hurt Buck even more.

Once again a heavy silence settled between the two men once again their fears, respective wounds and bruised egos prevented them from reaching out to the other. A billion of question were going through their respective mind, a dozen of what ifs and what now.

- **Do you regret it** , Buck dared playing with the hem of his shirt.

- **Yes** , Eddie admitted in a whisper.

- **Ok** , he nodded gulping difficultly, **thank you for being honest** , Buck smiled rising to his feet, **I think I should go now,** he offered.

- **Yeah, I think so too,** Eddie responded accompanying him to the door, **good night Buck and please don’t worry about the Lena stuff it’s under control,** he added.

After that night Buck never considered that Eddie could ruin him any further, never thought that he would be subjected to more harsh, destructive, and abhorrent words. That night on the way home Buck believed he’d heard the worst, he didn't imagine for a second that Eddie would strike the final blow only three days later before their entire team.

* * *

He felt even more lonely than the first time he came there, the more the time passed and the more he felt the pitying and insisting gaze burning his back, he knew he was pitiful he didn’t need the insistent gaze to remind him of his situation, didn’t need to be reminded that he was a single parent and that his kid father didn’t love either of them.

He couldn’t help but feel envious of the happy couples in front of him, couldn’t help the pang in his chest when he saw the other parent tenderly speaking to their unborn child, he found himself imagining himself and a certain someone at their place… The little daydream didn’t last long as his name was finally called….

* * *

He was getting ready to go home after having Bobby sign his paternity leave paper when a furious Eddie had entered the locker room without bothering to close the door behind him, he remember feeling confused and slightly afraid of the other man.

- **Is something wrong?** He dared watching Eddie pass back and forth in an attempt to calm himself down, **Eddie** , he called.

- **I got an interesting phone call this morning** , he started bitterly, **really really interesting,** he insisted glaring at the confused blond, **Chase Mackey does it ring a bell,** he snared.

- **Oh** , Buck nodded, **listen Eddie I…I,** he started before being interrupted

- **Don't...I can't believe you did this** , he roared, **at which point did you think it was a good idea to have that asshole involved in my business,** he belted, **damn** he snapped hitting the wall next to him, **I… I’m so mad I can’t even look at you right now,** Eddie sighed his back to him, **I told you,** he mumbled, **I told you not to meddle,** he pursued fist clenched.

- **I had to meddle,** Buck threw back, **she was threatening you, she was threatening Chris** , he counted, **she was messing with my family did you expect me to sit down and witness how she was going to ruin your life,** he chuckled drily, **how you were ruining it because of your damn caveman's ego,** he stated taking a step toward him.

- **Family** , Eddie deadpanned, **we're not a family** , he attested somberly, **me knocking you up doesn't mean we're a family** , he spited turning to face him, **don’t put your nose in others people business** , he added before leaving the room.

* * *

They were calling his name, again and again, they were waiting for him but he couldn't, he didn't have the force nor the courage to go up there alone again, he wasn't ready to accept the reality of his situation, didn't want to admit to himself that he was alone and this time it wasn't because he choosed to but because he'd been plainly and painfully rejected, because this time Eddie deliberately decided he didn't want to have anything to do with them.

Still he couldn't help but hope, hope that Eddie calmed down, hope that he would come through the door red cheeks and out of breath, that he would apologize for being late, that he would hold his hand when the doctor would tell them wither it was a girl or a boy, that he would tell him that everything is going to be ok now, that he would be there, that he didn't meant it, that they indeed were a family baby or not.

- **Mr. Buckley,** he heard the secretary call once more.

Throwing one last glance at the door Buck resigned himself and joined the impatient secretary at her desk, he answered all the routines questions, ignoring the pang in her heart when she asked him if they were someone with him today or if he was alone.

He was then directed to the ultrasound room and told that the doctor wouldn't be long, he got rid of his shirt and opened the first buttons of his jean, he was counting the stars stickers on the ceiling when the door opened revealing a smiling Dr Stevens followed by a tired Eddie Diaz.

- **Hi Buck,** Dr Stevens smiled, **how have you been the past two months,** she demanded looking through his medical record.

- **Mostly fine** , he answered ignoring Eddie's scolding eyes.

- **That's not what written here,** she frowned, **it seems you've been hospitalized two weeks ago what happened.**

- **He had a panic attack during a cleanup at work,** Eddie explained, **the doctor put him on paternity leave due to this,** he half smiled.

- **Good that what I would've recommended too, you have a really caring boyfriend Evan** , she grinned

- **He's only my kid father,** Buck curtly replied.

- **Ok shall we,** she demanded redirecting the conversation, **I see you're already prepared** , she noted putting gel on Buck's belly, **so you can hear their little heart** , she stated moving the probe from left to right, **oh how cute they're sucking their thumb.**

- **Really** , Eddie laughed instinctively grabbing Buck's hand who squeezed back mesmerized by the picture in front of them.

- **So do you want to know the gender** , she proposed softly.

They shared a single glance before Buck turned to Dr Stevens, he consented to curious to wait four more months before knowing the gender, she smiled moving she moved the probe to check if the baby was positioned so that its gender was displayed, but within a few seconds she began to frown, she then put the probe away and started to palpate Buck's belly, she then went back to his medical files as well as the ultrasounds and blood tests done two weeks earlier in the ER.

- **Is something wrong,** Buck demanded looking at Eddie for reassurance.

- **No it’s just,** she started massaging her temples, **I can't believe we missed it at the first ultrasound,** she laughed taking back the probe, **listen carefully,** she smiled reassuringly.

- **There is two heartbeats,** Eddie gasped tearfully, **it's... we're having twins** , he laughed kissing Buck's hand.

- **Twins** , the blond repeated shell shocked, **but how...why.**

- **I'm sorry I didn't notice it earlier,** she apologized, **looks like you're going to have two little girls,** she added, **do you want me to print you a copy,** she turned to Eddie who could only nod still surprised by the news.

Dr Stevens left the room to retrieve the copies letting both men to assimilate the news and the impact it will have in their life.

- **Listen Buck,** Eddie started, **I’m…I’m sorry for getting mad at you and for saying we weren’t a family** , he frowned passing a hand through his hair clearly distressed, **I shouldn’t have said any of this, I didn’t meant it** , he sighed, I was just mad.

- **I get it and I forgive you,** Buck responded in a monotone way, **I shouldn’t have meddled,** he pursued not meeting the other man’s eyes.

- **Buck** …

- **I…I forgive you but I’ll need some time to forget,** he added fidgeting with his hands, **that doesn’t mean I don’t want you there,** he frowned, **I want you to be there for them,** he stated, **I won't...I won't deprive my kids from seeing their father, I want you to be involved in their life** , he breathed.

- **But** … Eddie frowned

- **I don't want you in my life** , he sighed finally meeting his gaze.


End file.
